Big Self Little Self

I used to think the only 2 important questions in life were “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”.

More than 2 decades later, I’ve come to realise that these questions have very different answers depending on whether the context is Big Self or Little Self.

If you ask most people ‘who are you?’ they will probably start out with their name, age, roles, career and other aspects of their story. If pushed, they may then go on to descriptions of their body, emotions, thoughts and beliefs, in an attempt to construct a definitive picture which they can relate to as ‘myself’.

Of course, there will always be a fundamental feeling of ‘missing something off the list’, as the true nature of the human being is beyond the scope of the human mind to grasp, let alone put into words. Somehow, somewhere deep inside, we feel we are more.

This is where Big Self comes in. Unfortunately, it’s also where words become incapable of conveying the message!

Knowing Big Self is not something that can be conceptualised, it can only be experienced. Even then, I suspect we can only get a ‘wee taste’, as plugging in to a direct experience of Big Self is quite literally mind-blowing.

Words are a useful tool to convey mental concepts, and whilst they can act as pointers or sign posts to direct us towards the actual direct experience of truth, they can never adequately describe it. Try explaining what a pear tastes like to someone who has never experienced fruit. No matter how eloquent your use of language, you can’t taste the words.

In other words, if you can talk about it, that’s not it!

Analogies are my favourite pointers. A good analogy can effectively paint the picture without inviting the mind to get in the way by trying to understand the details.

 

SO HERE’S AN ANALOGY

The ocean is one integral system.

On the surface of the water, the ocean expresses itself as waves. Each wave appears as a unique, distinct and depending on your context, separate entity.

Waves are fleeting and in a constant state of flux. No wave is identical to another, no wave remains the same from one moment to the next.

When waves collide with each other, some object or the shore, they experience a disruption or destruction of their form.

For the individual wave, if it had a mind with which to think and generate emotion, this could be experienced as infringement, suffering or catastrophic death.

From the point of view of the ocean it is simply playing with itself! Without waves, the ocean cannot experience surf and the unique interaction between water and air.

Sitting on the shoreline, watching the sea pounding upon the rocks, it’s easy to imagine that the ocean rejoices in its expression of waves, and is having lots of fun!

So whilst waves may appear as unique and independent expressions of the ocean (Little Selves), they are clearly connected at source and hence original expressions of the same entity, the ocean (Big Self).

 

NOW HERE’S WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING.

Coming back to the human experience, let’s talk about ‘Human Nature’.

Whilst Little Self is consciously unaware of Big Self, petty egoic mind-set prevails. Separatism, fear, manipulation, violence, self-serving attitudes and selfishness are natural fallout from the undercurrent of fear that pervades the bulk of egoic thought.

Some call this human nature, but it is in fact only egoic nature, or mental/emotional nature. Humans are of course not exclusively their egos nor their thoughts and emotions.

When trapped in the illusion of isolation of Little Self, fear is the dominant state. It’s fear of death. This is not just the death of the physical body, but also the death of any form that Little Self has identified with: my possession, my circumstance, my thought, my belief, my relationship etc.

Just like any earth bound life form, the human animal is genetically coded to strive for physical survival. What appears unique to the human race however, is the mind-made illusion that acquiring more and more attachments makes us somehow ‘bigger’ and therefore more likely to survive. If I identify with enough apparently permanent forms, I can cheat death.

Of course, no form is permanent (thanks for that one Siddhartha), so poor old Little Self experiences a constant stream of mini-deaths pretty much from the age it starts to create attachments.

In other words, since Little Self cannot see beyond its own illusion of separation from Source (Big Self), it’s kind of obvious that it will fear its own perceived dissolution, or the dissolving of any form it identifies with (my car, my house, my toy, my husband, my ideas).

 

WHEN THE LIGHT GOES ON

When Little Self finally grasps its first conscious direct experience of Big Self, (through spontaneous momentary enlightenment, deep meditation or perhaps ingestion of psychotropic plant brews such as Ayahuasca), Little Self is initially blown apart.

Whilst the egoic mind recoils from its own destruction by the light of conscious awareness, there is a seductive aspect to the process which seems to enrol the ego’s participation. I’m guessing that once Little Self has tasted Big Self, it suspects it has now discovered the secret ingredient for immortality.

Mistakenly, Little Self believes it can now aquire and identify with the one thing that will allow it to avoid its own death – the infinite nature of Big Self.

In some cases, a taste of the infinite is all that is needed to set the individual on the path of (Big) Self-discovery. Little Self now throws its considerable influence and passion into the new game, which ironically will ultimately lead to its own destruction, or at the very least, its de-emphasis as the dominant driving force behind the individuals life experience.

I believe that beyond the egoic mind, the innate human nature craves a return to the source, just like a student in a hostile boarding school may enjoy the independence and status of being in such an environment, but ultimately craves the summer holidays and return to safe home and loving family.

 

A LOSS OF COMPASSION?

I’ve noticed that many people who’ve had an awakening experience tend to exhibit behaviour that others perceive to be unemotional, cold and lacking in compassion: “Hey, how come you don’t care about being ripped off by the street vendor?” or “How come you quit volunteering for Greenpeace?”

It’s not an absence of compassion. In one context, humans are capable of far greater compassion when free of the mind’s egoic/emotional manipulations of Little Self.

In the context and awareness of Big Self, no individual human experience is ultimately important. Neither does any collective experience carry significance beyond the limited human context.

Any and all human experience is not only fleeting, it is insubstantial in the bigger picture. All events, circumstances, conditions and experiences are simply Big Self playing with itself!

However, just as without the wave, the ocean cannot experience surf, without the ‘individual and apparently separate’ Little Self, Big Self cannot experience anything within the human dimension.

This makes the human experience incredibly precious!!

Certainly not essential, but valuable none-the-less, much as haute cuisine is not essential to our nutritional needs, but it sure tastes good.

 

BACK TO HUMAN NATURE

Now, here’s the key to understanding the more fundamental aspects of human nature:

Once the Big Self experience is fully integrated (seems to take some time for most of us), the Little Self experience undergoes a radical shift.

Now that a sense of the infinite has been embodied, fear melts away. Compassion replaces pettiness. Humor replaces significance. Selfish intent becomes a relic of ancient personal history.

For some, it seems to happen overnight, but for most (me included), it’s a gradual process riddled with steps or even leaps backwards! My guess is this is simply the momentum of the energy patterns that still make up much of Little Self. It seems to fade over time, so there’s still hope for those of us who didn’t make the fast track

Now the Little Self, free of limitation and fear of personal death or the dissolving of forms to which it had previously become attached, is free to express its fundamental genetic coding – the true human nature of nurturing, compassion, love and joy.

Once Big Self has truly been directly experienced by Little Self, the illusion of separateness remains only as a practical assertion: ie. my body, your body, my intention your intention. In other words, the distinct, unique and independent nature of Little Self transforms from a fear inducing lonely prison of the mind to a useful tool to facilitate the human game.

Once realised, the undercurrent of one-ness awareness is omnipresent, even if sometimes very faint, provided Little Self can remain conscious enough to access this truth. (I find this particularly challenging when a fight shows up with my wife or mother

Now here is where it gets a bit complicated/paradoxical..

From the context of Big Self, anything goes. After all, it’s just energy playing with itself. The infinite having fun.

From the context of Little Self, all human experiences carry significance, some more than others. Unawakened Little Self is constrained by mind/emotional nature which decrees that personal survival is paramount, and so it’s kind of ok to ‘fuck someone over’ if that’s what’s needed to survive.

Now, when one lives on the bridge between Little Self and Big Self, a sense of personal identity co-exists with a sense of one-ness with all things. In this state, any act that supports the individual at the cost of the whole or even the cost of another individual, becomes unacceptable or even abhorrent.

So is it compassion to simply allow things to be as they are, good or bad, right or wrong, suffering or celebration? Or is it compassion to strive to do the best for ourselves and our brothers and sisters based on intrinsically agreed upon virtues (kindness, love, empathy etc)?

Well, it’s both, but it depends on the context.

Compassion is the state of conscious presence that allows things to be just as they are, but that does not preclude taking action to transform situations and circumstances if Little Self feels inspired to do so. When Little Self is ‘connected’ to Big Self, any inspired action will be ‘right action’, devoid of personal egoic agenda. Such action can be incredibly powerful and is transformational by nature.

I’ve noticed, that often upon awakening, the awakened sole initially cares little for the human condition and the plight of his/her brothers and sisters. Not because she lacks compassion or empathy, but simply because she is now connected to source and thus sees the truth that human suffering is merely consciousness playing with itself, the interaction of energetic patterns, the dance of life.

As the awakened soul moves beyond these first experiences of enlightenment, Little Self is invited back into the game and a new and previously unparalleled passion arises to improve the lot of mankind through meaningful contribution to humanity.

Buddha didn’t remain sat on his ass under a fig tree, but instead was compelled to spend the last 40 years of his earthly life travelling and teaching, as did Jesus and many of our most famous historical transformed individuals.

Good thing really, otherwise we’d be without the wonderful pointers left by these ‘masters of old’.

 

A NEW QUESTION ARISES

So once the 2 fundamental questions are answered (Who am I and why am I here?), and the distinct contexts of Big and Little Self are understood, what’s the next step for the newly awakened soul?

IMO, it’s a series of new questions:

“How can I be of service?”

“What attributes does this particular form that I call myself exhibit, what skills, talents, experience do I (Little Self) have that can be most joyously and freely contributed?”

Now there’s a game worth playing